Things women don't want to hear

1 I haven't showered since this morning.Is that a problem? If you need to ask, it is.
2 Alex Ferguson. Yes, we know hes a Sir, but he doesn't give good pillow talk.Save it.
3 He shoots, he scores! Or any other sort of sports metaphor.
4 My mates said you'd be good in bed.
5 Your flatmate watching Muffy the Vampire Layer (1992) on the other side of the wall.Your flatmate doing anything on the other side of the wall, in fact.
6 I don't really keep track.Maybe 35? You know, give or take a few or five?
7 I can't wait for you to meet my mum. Your ability to talk lovingly about your mum in bed makes us think she’s a scary, overpowering dragon.Again, this is breakfast talk.
8 Shit, I forgot to take the dog out/ buy loo roll/ call my sister.
9 Pete from work, calling to see if you managed to pull that bird with the low cut top the other night.
10 The silent roar of your leopard print silk sheets.Or, for that matter, the technicolour evidence of your mum's taste in home decor.
11 Let me slip in halfway and then I'll use a condom. Yes, there really are men who say stuff like this.
12 Do you want me to keep going?
13 Thanks, I really needed that.